found in my google docs... 5/30/09

The most influential person in my lifetime has been myself, though usually combined to a whole, essentially there are two of us. One in the inside, he knows the inner workings. He'll report if the system overloads. The outside man is looking for signs of life. Forever trying to make my visions of the world more favorable. Why must they delay their consultation for after they leave. Observance never kick starts the thought, only reflection will do. Why must I only realize the past and never what's staring me in the face.

Now just about everyone I have ever encountered in my lifetime has told me that I think too much. I'm quite certain that that is an impossibility. Sometimes I wonder what is going on in my mind... how do I arrive at my longings. What makes me tick. Yet sometimes when I dwell in my own aura, I burn the skin right off my arms. Well, as you will see, today I have uncovered the mystery. For some strange reason, I'm quite sure I knew what it was all along.

Now as I explain to you what I'll get my thrills from, understand, that it is not in the least bit tangible. This is something of the process of thought, the trail and the crumbs. How did I create these visions and formulated opinions in my head. I become skeptical of what is real, and sure of what I've imagined.

I find myself engulfed in my inner monologue. I replay the daily doings throughout my mind, as an instant replay. Like the color commentator, I'll scrutinize every last announcement. My fundamentals appear to have never been honed. It'll take me a few minutes to realize my dream.

Now in a solitary state, I'll see my own shelter. In a cave of... well, to be frank, only the observer would possibly consider this lonesomeness. There's swarms of company around this cloud. My fogs as strong as ever. A torrent will sweep this desert clean, soon the crops will prosper.

Then you look up to see, the tracks you just so recently left in the sand are going every-which-way. I'm quite doubtful that I've arrived in the correct manner. Where I am now is what I wanted. The means of transport has made me nauseous. The brakes were grinding, and the traffic was sporadic.

Now just about everyone I've met throughout my life has been conceived in my head. None of them were imaginary. Oh, they are are real people... as my eyes perceived. Everyone does it, no two people have the same view on life, if they had, they'd be the same person. They'd don the same outfit and the same skin.

So as I continued on in my internal soul search I would always find myself seeking pleasure of my senses. Not knowing what excited me, I was unaware of my interests. Oblivious to my dreams, I only sought after short term excitement.

I have tried many different methods of living my life. After all, this is the only one I've got. A few routes have began to led me to very different destiny's. I always did think in math class... which I do excel in, oddly enough. In elementary school, guess and check was the best problem solving method. Little did I know that it was only my best method because I had always known what the solution had been at or around. This would not be an ideal method to decipher life. No one can predict the unknown.

So as I approach yet another destined intersection, I can either wish for my longings to come to me or I can finally do this for myself. I'm in a better state of mind than ever, like an experienced cab driver. He's seen the routes but only has helped himself a select few times.

Is a child ever the same as the adult he or she turns into? How can you possibly know yourself from the beginning when its life experience and trial by error which shapes the people we become. I have been real with myself, and even attended the meet and greet. I have control of my life. I am the most influential person I can be.