Months have gone by... day after day. That same train ride, but turning mostly from curiosity to necessity. Disinterested and colorless. My mind wanders for much more. Limitations unknown.... but of quite sure of their existence, always hoping there's one out there to prove me wrong.

Goodbye. Not yet ready to say it to her, but to my feelings. Disconnecting my soul. My heart. Disconnect what I strive for, lose my goal. Be done... cold turkey.

Now a few months later, I look at what was. I used that word relentless.... never letting up, always persistent. Obviously I was wrong. It did let up. And I lost it. Why... did I change. I have not a clue. I scour my brain for thoughts.
I begin to chase the past. It becomes clear. It shows itself. It is my dependency.

Now to change once more. Let it go. Relinquish my flaws. Let it go. Let her go. It won't happen.

Now I'm not sure. My thoughts are one-sided. I run circles... always seeming to agree but ending up in the same locale. I'll always feel the same way. Always. I'm mad. I don't know how long I can hold on to it. Hold on to a dream. It'll only last for one night. And when I arise its back to my sad reality... delirium. Selective ears and eyes. Filtering the truth. Receiving the optimism. Dreaming a future, yet foreseeing only a past.

Now all I want is approval. Come to me and say I am great. This is what keeps me here. This is my source of joy. I'll agree with you. I'm wonderful.

So scared. My heart beats a million times. My jaw is clenched, I'm afraid of my own words. But I write with intent. Yet I'm my own puppet. I don't speak or react... ever. Always alert of the audience, I manipulate the words to appease. I know what they want.

Too much for me to handle.... Im done here.

Sometimes, in a clouded mind.
Other times not.
Fronts are moving in...
be prepared for anything.
I've got my rain boots,
I've got an umbrella.
I'll find myself in a bunker... alone.
When will this let up?
When will there be time for me?
I'm afraid I'll die here.
Unaccompanied and inexperienced.
What's the point?